I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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