I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
