this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
