I cannot find my penis.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
