You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
