Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I want to be your penis for a week.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
