i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Please, let me fuck your mom
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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