So drunk its hurt
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
