life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
