So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
