apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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