If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
