I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Randomize
