Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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