Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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