How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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