last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
He did a backflip because drugs
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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