I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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