I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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