Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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