As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
