Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
