my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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