It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
