If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
