i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
