i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
