trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
