it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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