Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
