What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
