I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
