I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
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