I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
