I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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