there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
