she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
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