I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
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