will power is for people who don't want to get laid
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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