Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
