When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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