It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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