at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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