i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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