We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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