my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
