I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
