im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
The beers last night were like the tears from god
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
