Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
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