I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
