Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
