From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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