i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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