HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
