Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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