I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
