My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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