I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
