I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
