Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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