So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
