my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
