why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
